In 1942, Hitler decided he'd had enough of a certain race of people and set about removing them. Fast forward almost 70 years, and after a freshly swept haircut and dodgy facial hair decision, I was ready to do the same.
The past couple of Facebook visits have resulted in the discovery of some harsh truths. A group of kids from school who I'd accepted as mates on a 'need to neb' basis, had actually went to the bother to go through their lists and delete ME! The absolute cheek of it. Are these the same people that still hang around in the same group as they did at school, reminiscing about how good it was in year 8 whilst fingering each other at Take That concerts? The group that used to talk about how funny it was when they got really pissed in the bars in Whitley Bay one Saturday night? Come on. If your ideal night involves getting a free shot of Corkeys in the Hairy Lemon, then you probably go out with your slag of a mother and watch her get shagged by an entire stag do at the end of the night whilst she smothers garlic sauce on her spaniels ears. With doner meat wrapped around her cock.
Where did I go wrong eh? Countless football related statuses? Maybe. Profanity? Fucking hope so. Statuses directed at shit people who actually go to Whitley Bay with their old teachers to enjoy themselves? Most definitely. Too many people pussy foot around these days without ever saying what they actually think. These people are duller than a Gordon Brown waxwork and we have nothing in common.
In order to prevent the embarrassment of being wiped from any other twat's companion tally, I've done my own bit of Hitler-esque cleansing. No need for any gas chambers in this instance, though I wouldn't rule it out if one became available. Lure them in there with a promise of spray tans, a free pass into Jimmyz and naturally, a shot of Corkeys. Their parents would probably be relieved. Not as relieved as I.
P.T.
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